Monday, March 17, 2014

A Prayer

Part 2 of today's post.

Unresolved issues are bringing up feelings I'd rather not have. Feelings of insignificance, unimportance, and disinterest. This is a very deep hurt that for me goes back over 10 years to my early college days. It has been refreshed.

And so a prayer and verses to counter the lies and deceitful thoughts that will cause further damage.

"My King,

"Thank you for loving me and for your kindness and forgiveness. Dancing in the court is hard for me, and I feel anxious and raw, and most recently, insignificant. Not important.

"Thank you for reminding me of how important I am to you; thank you in this season of remembrance for your Son who became man and then suffered a painful death on my behalf. It is a debt I can never repay, and it shows me the depth of your love. It shows me just how significant I am. Thank you for this truth that is above all else.

"Help me to remember your love and your Grace. Heal the places of my heart that are still tender with scabs and scars, in Jesus name. Give me eyes to see myself and others through your eyes, and help me to regain perspective. Forgive me, Father, for taking my eyes off of you and focusing solely on my own circumstances. Remind me of why I am here, and of my brief time on Earth.

"I love you, Father, and praise and worship you above all else.


Jeremiah 17:7
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose trust is the LORD.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Second Thoughts

Originally, I was pretty gung ho about this "dating again" thing. I began believing that dating could be fun, carefree, even, especially when done the "right" way.

Let me say this: dating Dr. Henry's way is neither fun nor carefree, but what else could I have expected from a therapist!?


The whole point of his book, in my opinion, is not to get yourself a date or even many dates. It's to get you thinking about dating and relationships in a new way. Now that I'm a few weeks into it, I am discovering that there are things about this process that I like, and things I hate.

I hate:
- Trying to meet people. Do I like the potential outcome? Of course. Do I like the process? Not at all. The hate is focused on the "trying." I don't like introducing myself to men.

- Dating. What??? Yes I have discovered that ultimately I do not like dating. I have areas where I have not healed, and dating exposes them.  I'm glad for that, so I can ask for healing, but let's be honest, that kinda sucks. I'm blessed to get healing but realizing you're sick is just not my idea of fun.

I like:
- The idea of casual dating. But this little theory has major holes. Like when do you so casually dating? 5 months? 6 months? Wait and ask someone (seriously?)? All of a sudden something very casual has become something calculated and even complicated.

That's it. I can't think of anything else I like.

So those are my second thoughts of the day. I am dating someone but I would say that while it's casual in one sense, it's totally not in another. We see each other a lot. More than I would consider purely casual. Yet we haven't had a DTR conversation and I'm not even 100% sure I'm ready for one.

Oi. Who said this would be fun?

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Being Presented by the King (Update #1)

Lately I feel in my heart that I've entered a new phase of this life. It started the moment I agreed to try out this "dating program" recommended in the book I'm reading (see my first post).

The phase feels a bit like the after-effects of being "presented." Back in the day (like, way, way, way back) being presented was similar to a debutante's ball - a coming out party. Once presented, courting is officially a-go and everyone knows that you are looking for someone (because naturally, everyone is looking for someone, right?). If you follow Downton Abbey, you'll recall in the last episode of Season 4, Mary's cousin was "presented."

The past year I have been in the King's Court but not yet presented. I have actually envisioned myself behind the throne, at the King's back. This visual represents His protection. It's a critical vision and it's significant. I always envisioned myself kneeling toward the King but very clearly not in front of Him and not among the others, dancing. I was learning. Watching. And most of all, healing. And I was waiting.

The past week I've had a very different vision, though. This time it is one of walking with the King and being presented. Being among the Courtiers and smiling and talking. It is extremely scary, though, because rather than being behind the throne I am walking, standing tall and although connected by hand, the King and I are in a different stance. He is saying, "Here she is. This is she who is being presented; she is available now. She is ready."

Full on freak out mode.

In walk available men. Quite literally walking into my life. Men in their 30s. Men who find me interesting - worthy of talking to, worth dating.

I went on a date on Saturday - a simple coffee date. It was great. Light and fun. We'll call this person Lucas (since it's very unlikely I will EVER meet or date someone named Lucas in this city). He asked if he could call me that night and we've spoken every day since. We are going out for dinner tonight. Again simple and casual but it is still a date.

Then there's Max (again, that's not his real name). Max and I have noticed each other at work for well over a year. Mostly making eye contact and smiling and saying hi. I get completely flushed around him and he around me. Ridiculous. In over year, not said more than 5 sentences to each other, really.

But I have been presented. Suddenly Max suggests lunch. And suddenly he actually makes a comment about the fact that it hasn't happened yet. Suddenly Max's friend completely outs him in front of me by noting how red he is around me (His friend literally said, "Your face is beet red. What is going on with you?" after an interaction between us in the game room - it was very cute). Suddenly Max is contacting me, learning more, and even suggesting stopping by my house for lunch (I work from home 2x weekly)!

And then there is Edward (you get it - name changed). Edward and I actually met in person at the church that our single's group is part of. Then voila we are matched on eHarmony. What a coincidence (nay, I have been presented).

The King's Court is an interesting place, especially after you've been presented. It is not necessarily completely full of God-fearing men, and you take your pick of the lot. No, the King is showing me how to choose, how to watch, how to obey. I don't believe God necessarily tests our faith or obedience, but I do believe He says to us, "It is I who has faith in you. I believe in YOU. Live as I would like you to live." and then we get to make the choice to do that or not.

Pray for me during this time. I have a lot of things to learn. But I am excited and giddy - feeling much like a 15 or 16 year old presented for the first time, except this time, as a daughter of the King. It is awesome. :)